Everyone is out there these days finding themselves. No one is left minding the store. It's a growing up epidemic. never in our history have so many people become obsessed with the need to know themselves, and never in our history have so many become lost, confused and despairing in the process.
Happily, the past four decades have been times of changing attitudes, values and roles. We are finally able to admit (some still reluctantly) that women are as wise, creative and able as men. We have finally been forced to recognize that they have the right to succeed, grow and to contribute to the extent of their abilities; that for those who so desire, there must be no limitations placed in the way of becoming all that they are able to be.
Things have changed for men, too. They are discovering at last how much better it is to have an efficient, capable and interesting woman around than the somewhat empty role model of wife. Men are finding new joy in sharing full responsibility for the social, economic and psychological climate of their homes and families. They have found that in sharing tasks, for instance, both husband and wife are released for more productive, special and personal time.
These discoveries have forced many to redefine roles, to decry the loss of so many years and to set out with determination to rectify this by dedicating themselves to the task of seeking their true selves.
I've heard of a couple who were happily married for eleven years. Then the wife took a phychology course in personal growth. Through it she was convinced that she was missing life being simply a wife and mother. She learned the jargon about waste of human potential, the value of the individual, the search for identity. Somewhere out there, she decided, was the woman she wanted to be. Before the class ended she left her husband and their four children in the search for self.
I'm not condemning her actions, In fact, I was equally as eager in my own search. It led me around the world twice. I left family, friends, a promising career and wondered in many countries. I listen to great gurus, I read mystical texts, I studied meditations techniques. I admit that there was value in this. A search is always exciting and full of newness. But along the way I found that my search was not bringing me any closer to finding that elusive me.
Eventually I returned. I had experienced wonderful things, made many mistakes, made wrong decisions and had made many new and lasting friends. I had acquired a great deal of knowledge, but once home found that there was nothing I had discovered in my wondering time that I could not have found in my own backyard. Of course, it would not have been so exotic or dramatic, nor would it have made such exciting dinner conversation. But what I had needed to discover -myself - was always with me.
Understanding oneself is a worthy and commendable goal. But it is not necessary to leave everything and everyone in order to do it. The wife of the couple I mentioned, for example, found that single bars, sexual freedom, loneliness, and mystical teachings afforded her a no more conducive environment to knowing herself than would a sympathetic husband, an understanding family, friends and a secure home.
Change is always difficult. People who feel that they have been denied experiences or made wrong choices and have consequently missed life can become frantic about their sense of loss. Rightfully so. There is no greater loss for all of us than a life unlived. But we should keep in mind, before we leave on a search, that even the philosophies most dedicated to knowing ourselves tell us that self-knowledge and enlightenment can come through making a loaf of bread, growing a beautiful garden, or hearing a piece of music.
Oscar Wilde said that, "Only the shallow know themselves," and he was right. There can be no end to the process of self-discovery if we are continually learning, growing and changing. Knowing oneself is a process, not a goal. No one person or place is more conducive than any other in helping this process along.
The tools are not out there somewhere. They are inside of us. Only we can assume the challenge of our voyage. The experience becomes more valuable and meaningful when we take those we love with us along the way. The search for ourselves takes on real meaning when each day becomes a Bon Voyage party.
Happily, the past four decades have been times of changing attitudes, values and roles. We are finally able to admit (some still reluctantly) that women are as wise, creative and able as men. We have finally been forced to recognize that they have the right to succeed, grow and to contribute to the extent of their abilities; that for those who so desire, there must be no limitations placed in the way of becoming all that they are able to be.
Things have changed for men, too. They are discovering at last how much better it is to have an efficient, capable and interesting woman around than the somewhat empty role model of wife. Men are finding new joy in sharing full responsibility for the social, economic and psychological climate of their homes and families. They have found that in sharing tasks, for instance, both husband and wife are released for more productive, special and personal time.
These discoveries have forced many to redefine roles, to decry the loss of so many years and to set out with determination to rectify this by dedicating themselves to the task of seeking their true selves.
I've heard of a couple who were happily married for eleven years. Then the wife took a phychology course in personal growth. Through it she was convinced that she was missing life being simply a wife and mother. She learned the jargon about waste of human potential, the value of the individual, the search for identity. Somewhere out there, she decided, was the woman she wanted to be. Before the class ended she left her husband and their four children in the search for self.
I'm not condemning her actions, In fact, I was equally as eager in my own search. It led me around the world twice. I left family, friends, a promising career and wondered in many countries. I listen to great gurus, I read mystical texts, I studied meditations techniques. I admit that there was value in this. A search is always exciting and full of newness. But along the way I found that my search was not bringing me any closer to finding that elusive me.
Eventually I returned. I had experienced wonderful things, made many mistakes, made wrong decisions and had made many new and lasting friends. I had acquired a great deal of knowledge, but once home found that there was nothing I had discovered in my wondering time that I could not have found in my own backyard. Of course, it would not have been so exotic or dramatic, nor would it have made such exciting dinner conversation. But what I had needed to discover -myself - was always with me.
Understanding oneself is a worthy and commendable goal. But it is not necessary to leave everything and everyone in order to do it. The wife of the couple I mentioned, for example, found that single bars, sexual freedom, loneliness, and mystical teachings afforded her a no more conducive environment to knowing herself than would a sympathetic husband, an understanding family, friends and a secure home.
Change is always difficult. People who feel that they have been denied experiences or made wrong choices and have consequently missed life can become frantic about their sense of loss. Rightfully so. There is no greater loss for all of us than a life unlived. But we should keep in mind, before we leave on a search, that even the philosophies most dedicated to knowing ourselves tell us that self-knowledge and enlightenment can come through making a loaf of bread, growing a beautiful garden, or hearing a piece of music.
Oscar Wilde said that, "Only the shallow know themselves," and he was right. There can be no end to the process of self-discovery if we are continually learning, growing and changing. Knowing oneself is a process, not a goal. No one person or place is more conducive than any other in helping this process along.
The tools are not out there somewhere. They are inside of us. Only we can assume the challenge of our voyage. The experience becomes more valuable and meaningful when we take those we love with us along the way. The search for ourselves takes on real meaning when each day becomes a Bon Voyage party.
Scary that we as people can put ourselves on a road of discovery. The hardship of 'discovering who you are' can really can be expensive. Lose a family, lost time and sometimes a confused life. Thank God for the other party that is willing to have the tenacity to wait and understand the place of his partners self discovery. The pain and waiting brings its own discovery. I do love watching my kids find out who they are. Just like my younger years I have reference points so I hope I am an asset to their lives to trust my judgement and at the same time not getting in their way. Ideally this would be the time for self discovery in our youth. My children out at 18 years have traveled, made some grave mistakes, true independence, hardship, fun and I am loving them all the step of the way. I believe they will be responsible adults in this society.
ReplyDelete