Growth and Acceptance

I agree that there is perhaps no greater joy in life than to find ways of overcoming our weaknesses. We know all about the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. We seem to encounter obstacle after obstacle. Still, with hope, dignity, a little madness, and some belief in the self, we can make great strides towards achieving our goals. The greatest failure is to fail to try. Many of us have probably given up just when, with a bit more persistence and patience, we would have made it. So often when all seems lost everything points to failure, then comes the breakthrough.

Loneliness have become the great American malaisse. It seems to ignore age, gender and socioeconomic levels. Surveys tell us that over one quarter of the population suffers from chronic loneliness. It is among the leading causes of suicide. Books and magazines are consistently full of information and advice for the lonely-be more aggressive, step out and meet people, you have a right to be you, get out of that shell of your own making, celebrate life, count your lessings. Though sometimes good advice, these remedies seem to be of small comfort to the lonely.

No one needs to be told that loneliness can be very painful. In fact, it can cause us to feel almost totally devastated. It produces counter-productive feelings, discourages risk and saps emotional resources. It is not surprising that people will even elect to remain in completely unfulfilled relationships rather than risk being alone.

We all know that loneliness has little or nothing to do with being physically alone. In fact, some of the most lonely among us are constantly in crowds, surrounded by people. No matter what our situation, most of us will at one time or another experience loneliness.

few of us prepare ourselves for these possibilities. We carefully save our money for the future, we insure ourselves against economic reverses and prepare for countless unpredictable occurrences, but we do little about the time when we may have to face things alone, or fine ourselves disconnected from others.

I've spoken to hundreds of people who have told me they have suddenly been force through loneliness to struggle with feelings of emptiness and unworthiness. They discover themselves on their own - some for the first time in their lives - and have no resources to call upon to contend with it. They seem to find little inner reserve or strength, or more important, no real sense of self.

It has been found that what people do in such a situation depends more upon how they about themselves than any other single factor. It is not so much a matter of fighting loneliness as it is using the strength that comes from self-knowledge to put it into its proper perspective.

Loneliness is never pleasant. It will always require us to actively work through a period of adjustment or healing. But this time can also to be of learning and growth, for it compels us to examine and reevaluate ourselves better.

It is a pity that we often wait until loneliness is strangling us before we try to understand its complexities. Still it's understandable, since we are brought up to avoid being alone, as if it were some type of antisocial behavior. Our young lives are often spent filled with planned social activities and interactions. We are encourage to join clubs, teams, classes. We often become so busy that to find ourselves alone, faced with some nonscheduled time, is to many an almost devastating experience.

Heaven forbid that we should have an unplanned weekend! No one tells us that it's perfectly normal to want to be alone, to have private times when we can tune in to our own needs and desires, guided only by our own resources, or carried away by our spur of the moment impulses and dreams. We all need our separate worlds, apart from others, where we can quietly retire for regrouping, for getting back in touch with ourselves. We need this personal solitary place as a pleasant alternative to our more public lives. We must treasure this part of our existence as much as we do the more social part. Then, when loneliness comes, we will have that special place to fall back upon.

It is wonderful to have significant and loving people in our lives. We cannot live in complete happiness without them. But we must not allow ourselves to depend so completely upon them that we lose our sense of separateness. There should be always be an inner place we can count on that it is solely ours.

To conquer loneliness we shall each other have to assume the sacred responsibility of becoming a complete person. And most of all, to define ourselves without always including someone else in the definition.