Passion of Expressing Ourselves

There are some important words and phrases we seem to have great difficulty with. They are everyday words that they get caught between our good intentions on one hand and our inhibitions or fear of rejection on other the other. take for example those two seldom heard but highly effective words, "I'm sorry". For many of us "I'm sorry, is a painful admission of a fault or imperfection. They imply, "I was wrong", and that's the part that seems to activate our defenses and keep us from speaking.

But "I'm sorry", doesn't need to be a vindication for one side or another. It's far more effective in making things right again in showing who was wrong. Still, the words come hard, as if saying them reveals some weakness, some vulnerability.

Just a little thought on the matter tells us the opposite is true. Being vulnerable and able to say, "I was wrong", is one of the surest signs of strength. It informs others that we are sensitive to their pain or to their mood. It's far better than putting up walls and trying to maintain the myth of being perfect. The magic words, "I'm sorry", have unlimited power to heal and restore.

There are other phases with which struggle now and then such as, "help me". This implies a need for someone Else's strength right now. A need to be together right now. No matter how independent and self-reliant we become, we will always need others. They are a source of confidence when ours is faltering. By offering us another perspective, they can help us to see more clearly. But these things are not always freely given and must often  be asked for.

We learned early in life that, "I can do it myself," was very rewarding. We were encouraged to be self-reliant and told that asking for help was a sign of weakness. We therefore find it difficult to say, "I need you". We still like to feel that we are in total control and hesitate to reach out for help.

"I don't know"' is another little phrase that comes hard to some of us. It's a curious thing the way we often need to project an image of infallibility, of always having an answer for everything. We've all encountered people like that. For whatever reason they regard "I don't know" as a personal defect, as if each question or problem in life represented a challenge to their reputations.

In a poem entitled The Rock, T.S. Elliot tell us that, "All our knowledge brings us nearer to our ignorance. Where is the wisdom we have lost in our knowledge?" Some of the wisest people I know have the fewest answers and the least amount of certainty. Perhaps they have found that true knowledge is not in the knowing but in the seeking. I'm always a little suspicious of any organization or philosophy or creed that has the answer for every question. I think it is more likely that others are struggling with the same problems and asking the same questions, and some questions may have no answers. As each of us seeks to find our own answers in life, "I don't know", might be the best place to begin.

The last of our underused phrases is really contained in part within the other three. It says what the others can only imply. The words are, "I love you". Why is it so difficult for some of us to say these three simple words? Why do we leave this phrase behind and regard it as vestige of earlier, more romantic selves? We come to believe that after a time love speaks for itself, that is something implied by a relationship: "We've been together for twenty years. If that's not love, I don't know what is." And so, sadly, the words go the way of flowers and moonlight drives and holding hands at the movies.

We forget that even the most secure among us needs reassurance from time to time. We don't realize that sometimes the other person may be feeling more remote or disconnected, or that we ourselves are becoming more complacent in our relationship. Saying, "I love you", implies that "I don't take you for granted", that the force which brought you together still keeps you together.

The space that so often expands between people is so easily bridged with the right words at the right time. As relationships and people in them inevitable change, it's important that we reaffirm that some things are constant. "I am sorry, "I need you", "I love you", are powerful ways of reinforcing this affirmation.