Self Respect

William James once wrote, "probably a crab would be filled with a personal sense of outrage if it could hear us class it without apology, as a crustacean, and thus dismiss it. 'I am no such thing,' it would say;'I am myself, myself alone'."

The human spirit is such that it will defy every effort to lump it into categories, whether it is done for convenience or by design. It is our very uniqueness, our individual identity that transcends our short existence here and therefore must always be preserved.

One of the most difficult things for the human mind to comprehend is that life moves on even though many of us don't seem to be fully aware of it. This lack of consciousness is often responsible for causing many of us to waste a great portion of our lives. We lose much of our childhood, our adolescence, our adulthood, our middle age, simply because we spend so much time living in the future. The tragedy is that what is lost is gone forever. None of us has been able to relive the past or change our transgressions.

Most of us live for tomorrow. We have convinced ourselves that it will be better, that we will be richer, wiser and more secure. This may be pleasant to contemplate, but also costly if it means losing even a moment of our present.

I know we are brought up to work hard, to save our money and invest in the future. in this way, we're told, someday we will be able to enjoy what we dream about. The sad part is that too often by the time we reach those golden years, we no longer need the same things or we're too tired, too ill, too set in our ways to enjoy them.

How many trips have we postponed until some indefinite time, only because they seemed too strenuous or stressful? how many possibilities of happiness have we missed because we waited for a more convenient moment? how many people have we failed to celebrate because we thought we'd have them forever?

Recently at a cafeteria I sat at the counter next to a man, who appeared to have been crying, his sadness was obvious, written all over his face, so I broke a conversation with him and he immediately started letting out his frustration, his anger, his pain and his sorrow, he told me that his wife, who had recently passed away, wanted to visit her relatives in Scotland, the country of her parents' birth. It was her only wish. Though they could certainly afford to go, this man thought it was a rather frivolous way to spend money. There was always a less expensive place to go, the mortgage to be paid, the need for a new lawn mower or plans for the children's education.

Now the house is paid for, has his new lawn mower, the children have all been educated and are married and on their own. His wife's special dream was never realized. She died few months ago. He's alone with his accumulated things. it pained me to hear him lament, "I wish I had....," as we so often do in hindsight.

I am not suggesting that we should be spendthrifts of completely self-indulgent, or that we fail to plan sensibly for our future. I'm simply saying that we all have present needs and that too often they become permanent gaps in our lives when they are not realized. We all need a little frivolity and self-indulgence from time to time.

Though frowned upon in our culture, pampering ourselves now and then seems to me a healthful thing. Why should it cause us to feel a sense of selfishness and guilt, specially when these feelings take all the fun out of it? We all know the joy of buying that expensive pair of shoes we love so much, or having dinner in that elegant restaurant we read about, or sending flowers or gifts for no reason other than the special joy it will bring to someone.

It's sad to hear things such as -
"People only send me flowers when I'm ill, or in a hospital when I'm too distracted to enjoy them. And how sad that the day I recieve the most flowers i won't even see them. Who needs flowers after you're dead? I get presents on my birthday or the usual holidays, but I'd  forego these for a surprise gift sometime-just a sign that someone is thinking about me when they don't really have to."

"We should have taken that trip last year. Now he/she is in the hospital and we may never be able to do it."

"I should have told her i loved her while she was still here."

To pass up or ignore the possibilities of present laughter, to fill our lives with plans for some nebulous tomorrow, is to court the possibility of permanent, irreparable loss. Time is limited, even for the youngest of us. It is something we can control and enhance with our expressions of love and caring now. Such opportunities come only so often in a lifetime. To suggest that we all have a right to be pampered now and again without the usual accompanying feeling of guilt is not asking too much.

We often spend our lifetime doing the sensible thing, mostly for the welfare of others. Common sense, self-denial, prudence _these things certainly have their place as long as they don't become constants in our life. We all need frequent doses of "I deserve this." Aside from what immediate happiness it brings to us, it is also a basic reminder that "I like me and I'm worth it."